Please exclude me from your narrative
There’s a recent trope of posts from parents on Twitter and LinkedIn that argue against the straw man of non-parents as if to defend their choice to have children.
I’m tired of reading these. And as someone who tried and failed for years to have a child, it’s especially painful to read these posts telling me that I chose the wrong life.
I’ve literally never questioned anyone for having children or told them they should not have had children. What a horrible thing to say, and what kind of person attacks someone for that kind of intimate and complex choice?
And yet parents continually post these pretty general defenses of having kids, arguing against me and people like me, as if we were… what? Coming up to them while their child is having a tantrum and saying “I just came back from Bali, just putting that out there” and then walking away?
The posts often but don’t always take this form: “I used to go on tropical vacations but it’s more fulfilling to watch a human being grow up.” That is the definition of a straw man argument: distorting or exaggerating the other side of the argument to make your point.
And your point is… that you enjoy parenting. That’s lovely. I am happy for you even if you’re not actually happy.
And while that framing sounds like an exaggeration, this is a real post from a real person. And in case it seems like he was just talking about his personal experience… He is literally arguing here against “ppl without kids” as his counter.
In Peter’s defense, he messaged me an apology, though he left up his popular post. My question to him was, Who are you arguing against? He said it was a reflection on his own life before and after having children.
But that wasn’t his post, his post was framed as if on one hand are tropical vacations and on the other is parenting. You can muse about your own life decisions without invoking someone else’s in comparison, it just might not do numbers on Twitter.
“Before I had kids, I took luxury vacations. Before I had kids, I ate out at trendy restaurants every month. Before I had kids, I’d frequently hang out with my friends. But now instead I take my children to the science museum and watch their eyes light up with wonder. It’s a unique kind of fulfillment even if sometimes I pine for more time alone or with my partner.”
It’s not punchy enough for the internet.
There isn’t some general experience of not having kids in the same way that Peter will never know what’s like to be the Peter who chose not to have kids or was unable to have them. Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and the other path is unknowable. That is the nature of living one life.
I have friends who never wanted kids, friends who never found someone suitable to have kids with, friends who are in same sex relationships and need expensive intervention or a surrogate to have kids. And friends like me, who wanted to have kids but for whom the panacea of IVF didn’t produce a viable pregnancy or a child.
What I’m asking of these parents is not to hold up my life as the wrong outcome to a clear two-sided choice. That is what you are doing when you cast people without children as your straw man in this internet argument.
